Asian American X

What's on my mind?

Asian American X. Fuck, friends. It's such a good book. The book is a collection of stories regarding racial experiences from different types of Asian Americans here in the U.S. The stories were written by the first and second generation Asians. It was weird to read their stories. I felt connected with a lot of them. I understood everything they were saying and it only put tears into my eyes knowing that we (me and these writers) all collectively felt the same insecurities and hatred towards our own identity.

I am so upset. The memories are all coming back, when I first came here in the U.S. and didn't know English very well. FUCK. I even remember, I think in the 7th or 8th grade or even in high school of wishing I had WHITE parents, because I wanted to be WHITE. It's so fucked up. I am really upset right now. Why the fuck did I feel the way I did?

I think growing up I hated myself for being an immigrant and especially my parents. My parents embarrassed me the most. They knew nothing about Americanism. When my friends came over, I hated that they didn't know how to talk and treat them in the way normal American parents would treat their kid's friends. (I fucking remember everything now. GODDAMN IT!) This is so shameful for me to admit, everything is. In high school I remember feeling good about myself because I managed to become friends with White people. I think that was the time when I stopped hanging out with the Asian friends I used to hang with in the middle school. I just stopped hanging with them because of this self-identity issue I was having inside myself. The cafeteria, where a huge mass of Asian people hang out, was not the place I wanted to be grouped in back then. (What the fuck was that all about! How fucking stupid of me). There are so many things to say. I hated that I took ESL in the 6th grade and in the 7th grade. I was ashamed. And in the 8th grade, I was so proud of myself for being able to take regular English classes; I think I even got awarded for it, which I think is so fucking dumb. Why should ONE be awarded for taking regular English classes? That only puts ESL students below the ground. Right after graduating out of ESL was the only time I felt a little normal in school or something like that because I didn't have to take my ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS ANYMORE...WHICH IS SERIOUSLY ALL SO FUCKED UP BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE FELT ABNORMAL FOR NOT KNOWING ENGLISH VERY WELL IN THE 6TH GRADE OR WHATEVER (since I didn't feel normal, in a logical sense abnormal must have been the feeling that I was going through).

I feel so bad now. ughh.. It was so bad when I first went to my 6th grade classroom. Everybody was looking at me. I didn't get it and I WAS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSED. I HAD NO CLUE HOW TO FUCKING ACT. (ggrrrr. This is making me cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I let “them” make me feel inferior and I couldn't do anything about it). I was so quiet in the 6th grade. I didn't know what to fucking do with myself. I mean it's one thing to come into a classroom and be a new student and not know anyone, but I SWEAR THE FUCK TO GOD IT'S ANOTHER GODDAMN HELL STORY WHEN YOU WALK INTO A CLASSROOM AS A FUCKING IMMIGRANT AND NOT KNOW ENGLISH AND ANYONE. Until to this day I am haunted by that first day. Kids are brutal, and you know this!

I am angry. I am realizing that a lot of my insecurities are from me being an immigrant in this country and not know proper English. I hate making grammatical errors. DO YOU KNOW WHY I EVEN WRITE BLOGS? I write only so I can practice writing, so I can perfect my English writing. It took me so long to learn ENGLISH. I read the fucking newspaper every day and whatever book so I can practice comprehending English, but it's not just that...Every day I forced myself to do it so I could understand English and not feel stupid when a person is talking to me. I hate feeling stupid. I read the U.S. history not because I am entirely interested in it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'd rather fuck myself in the bathroom toilet seat. No. I read it so I am not ignorant about these shits. I vote and try to understand the legal system in this country because I feel that if I don't know it, I would look like that dumb 6th grader girl again that didn't know English in Mrs. Cashdollar's class. I don't even fucking talk in my native language anymore or I don't do it as much, even when I am talking to my parents. Do you know why?!!!... Because till to this day I am still trying to perfect the way I sound when I am talking in English. I feel that if I start to talk in Tagalog again I will go back to the way I sounded back then,.... ahhhh... I AM SO UPSET....

I hated Spokane because people there did not have any understanding of diversity. I felt so out of place. Even the Asians there didn't fucking understand anything. They were all pro-American, at least the ones I met. It was just weird. I felt people looked at me differently and therefore it follows the logical sense on how they treated me....I got this a lot, "Are you Thailand?." What a dumb question, as if they know how Thai people look like anyway. And it's not THAILAND. That's the country. That's me asking "Are you London?"

I want to bitch some more... TO ALL YOU INSENSITIVE, IGNORANT, NAIVE PEOPLE: FUCK YOU, FIRST OF ALL. FUCK YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT RACISM, PREJUDICISM, AND DISCRIMINATION IS ABOUT, I ASK THAT YOU THINK AGAIN, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU DO. NO, YOU DON'T. You're the reason why people like myself have to feel the way we do -- 1). choose to not want to talk and explain ourselves because our insecurity of sounding stupid and less American is kicking in 2). insecure about our own identity 3). abandon who we are and try our hardest to become that so-called American...AND BECAUSE TILL TO THIS DAY YOU HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR OWN IGNORANCE, YOU DO NOTHING BUT CONTINUE THE RACISM THAT EXIST IN THIS GOD DAMN COUNTRY. I HATE YOU